dreams

I have been having so, SO many dreams lately. dozens of dreams that I remember every morning, down to the minute detail. I usually have dreams but when I try to remember them, they slip away. they remind me of thos squishy tubes with glitter and water inside... if you tried to grab onto the end, it would turn inside out and you'd drop it.

the weird thing is that recently my dreams have been all about death. for a week or so it was me who was dying. every night I would have a dream in which I died in a different way, but I always say my death and the aftermath. one that really sticks out for me is a dream in which I was apparently contemplating suicide. I had written a letter and after some dream-events (including seeing a play in this huge theatre that reminded me of SCN's theater

**I just finished writing this insanely long post and pressed "publish" only to find that the above is all that saved. sigh. I am so discourgaed, but I will try to summarize.

okay, so theater that reminded me of SCN's except maybe triple in size. after I wrote my good-bye letter and those events occurred, I decided to go through with killing myself. at that moment an eclectic (and I mean eclectic) group of friends showed up--friends from kindergarten, friends from CC, from the Springs, from work--and convinced me that they should be the ones to do it. they should make it a murder instead of a suicide. I happened to agree (sure don't know why I wouldn't???) and proceeded to watch them cut up my body and then roast those chunks in the oven. I seriously floated up above myself and could smell the cooking flesh. what in the hell does that even mean?! the craziest part is that I happened to wake up right in the middle of the dream (right as my friends showed up). it was about 4:30 in the morning and I got up to check on the dogs. normally the whole clan--two dogs, a cat, Ry and I--sleep in our bed but the pups had been bad that night so they were banished to the family room. I was awake for about five to ten minutes, and when I got in bed, it took me another ten or so minutes to fall back asleep. when I did, I fell right back into my dream, the exact spot where I had left off and everything continued as though I had never woken up in the first place.

I am such a whackjob.

so after the Kirby-dying dream phase, I continued with the death theme and moved on to other people dying, including but not limited to Ry's dad and people I have traveled with in the past. last night I had a dream where people died, but this time I didn't really know them that well. it was a Crash (the movie) type dream. I was involved with all of these different events and they all happened to tie in together and things were just going crazy by the end. there were drug deals, murders, sneaky spy things... whatever. I honestly woke up this morning and stared at the ceiling for almost half an hour, trying to figure out where in the hell my brain was getting this stuff. then Ry and I drove to his parents' house for breakfast and he had to scream at me so that I didn't blow a red light. I was so absorbed in figuring out these dreams, it's almost become an obsession.

my life is weird, both in sleep and while I'm awake. case in point- Molly was up on the kitchen table again this morning. she was not eating cat food or toys this time, but she was just laying there and crying because she couldn't get down. maybe she thinks she's just like the kitten and she wants to live in the cage up there?? who knows. then when we got back from breakfast we found a plastic bag shredded all over the family room and both dogs hiding in the bedroom. they are now outside in the backyard with a bowl of water and NO TOYS. crackheads.